Dear Mom,
I went all day without thinking of the day you passed away. I think that's progress. As much as I miss you and wish you could share in everything I do, I know you are aware of my progress and I know you are proud.
I went into work today just to see if I could make a phone call to get a sale. I was off the clock and the RTA told me I couldn't do it because they were over-staffed, so I just stayed and helped out with the others on the phones. In doing this, I found that one of the managers, Ashley, had submitted my name in so I could help coach the new hires that are hired. I was ecstatic, since that is what she was doing before she became manager. That is what I want to do there; be a manager. I want to run my own team, I want to be able to be off the phones and helping people make more money. I want to be something other than just another agent on the floor. And I think I can do that.
I came home and I was so damn excited, I couldn't even explain it if I had to. I've been in a good mood ever since, and I'm so damn proud of myself. I haven't been proud of myself before.... It's a strange feeling...
Sunday, 18 September 2016
Wednesday, 14 September 2016
September 14th
Dear Mom,
Today was the first day in a long time where I didn't cry when I was on the bus going to work. I thought of you. I thought of my anxiety at work and how I would love to just tell you everything, even if you didn't really understand. I miss how you would just listen, nodding along to make me feel like you really got what I was saying, even though you didn't.
I didn't get suspended at work, and I think its because I found that they really need me at work. They really appreciate me and the hard work I do, so I can't complain about what I do. I wore a dress and my best lipstick to work, made a statement and got the job done; the main goal.
I say this every time, but I miss you. I don't think I will ever really stop missing you. The hole you left, the space that was created when you left is vast and dark and cold... I feel like a part of me is empty. I try to fill it with distractions, but it never really works.
I hope wherever you are, whether you're watching, hanging around, what have you... I hope you're proud of me.
Today was the first day in a long time where I didn't cry when I was on the bus going to work. I thought of you. I thought of my anxiety at work and how I would love to just tell you everything, even if you didn't really understand. I miss how you would just listen, nodding along to make me feel like you really got what I was saying, even though you didn't.
I didn't get suspended at work, and I think its because I found that they really need me at work. They really appreciate me and the hard work I do, so I can't complain about what I do. I wore a dress and my best lipstick to work, made a statement and got the job done; the main goal.
I say this every time, but I miss you. I don't think I will ever really stop missing you. The hole you left, the space that was created when you left is vast and dark and cold... I feel like a part of me is empty. I try to fill it with distractions, but it never really works.
I hope wherever you are, whether you're watching, hanging around, what have you... I hope you're proud of me.
Monday, 12 September 2016
September 12th
Dear Mom,
In one month, you have been gone a year. It's starting to weigh on me that you're gone. I can't just come home from a day at work and have you here to say hi, to ask how my day was, to just occupy the room with your laughter.
I'm struggling at work and I'm honestly trying to keep it together, but it's becoming more and more difficult to do so. I got a phone call today from my manager who says we need to discuss my attendance... And I'm scared of being suspended.
In the last month, I've been late several times and I've had spurts of tears on the floor which made me need to leave work... I don't want to be this weak person anymore. I want to be the strong girl you raised. The stubborn girl you brought into this world and it's just becoming more and more difficult to hold myself together.
I have thought about what my life would have been like if I had just told you to get to the doctor at 6am when you came and showed me your leg. Would you still be alive? Would you have had to lose your leg? Would you have gotten really sick? These questions run through my head every single day of my life, especially when I get my paycheque and see $500 sitting there.
I'm honestly trying to take care of everyone, and I'm forgetting to take care of myself...
In one month, you have been gone a year. It's starting to weigh on me that you're gone. I can't just come home from a day at work and have you here to say hi, to ask how my day was, to just occupy the room with your laughter.
I'm struggling at work and I'm honestly trying to keep it together, but it's becoming more and more difficult to do so. I got a phone call today from my manager who says we need to discuss my attendance... And I'm scared of being suspended.
In the last month, I've been late several times and I've had spurts of tears on the floor which made me need to leave work... I don't want to be this weak person anymore. I want to be the strong girl you raised. The stubborn girl you brought into this world and it's just becoming more and more difficult to hold myself together.
I have thought about what my life would have been like if I had just told you to get to the doctor at 6am when you came and showed me your leg. Would you still be alive? Would you have had to lose your leg? Would you have gotten really sick? These questions run through my head every single day of my life, especially when I get my paycheque and see $500 sitting there.
I'm honestly trying to take care of everyone, and I'm forgetting to take care of myself...
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